Devil's Backbone, Texas online movie review - The Worst Film Ever Made
Roger Ebert claimed that Human Centipede was the worst movie ever made, but at least it had a purpose (and plot and acting). No, this is truly, absolutely, the worst movie ever made in the history of all movies.
Don't think I take this condemnation lightly. This "movie" should not even be called a film. It is the movie version of muzak, or Kidz Bop. It's a movie that got made that no one thought was good or intended for anyone to see. I truly think that they hoped to sell this to netflix and some really, really low-level channels, like channel 33 in Guatemala at 3:00am.
Oh, if only this film were bad. There are movies that are so bad, they become campy or cult films. No, this film is the most mediocre waste of film to ever be produced. This film is like a computer algorithm wrote it, and it's got the formula down exactly, but it just slapped in whatever. Or that the film maker made it really fast, like a college kid with a paper due the next day.
It's a bummer, because the base of a good movie is there. I mean, it's about his own father who was on Unsolved Mysteries because his ranch was so haunted! So, even though the beginning is full of this lame guy and his painfully, painfully white privileged, LA friends, for about 20 minutes you have a tiny hope that this thing might be watchable.
First third of the movie: I'm mildly interested because of the true family dynamics so even though the central cast sucks, maybe this will come out to be enjoyable.
Second third: This isn't much of a spoiler, because this film has seemingly hundreds of things haunting the ranch including: Cherokees, angry ghost of woman raped to death by Cherokees, Nazis, possessed pigs, dead animals, live animals, blurry things, thudding things, scary blurred face ghost children, ghost pickup trucks, aliens?, ghost rocks (not kidding), ghosts down a hole, goat-killing demons, tire-slashing demons (I will grant that they might be the same as the goat-slashing demons), a tiny baby piano, spiders, maybe the Blair Witch (they go in circles a lot and yell about maps), people going crazy, women screaming on cell phones, kids screaming, and so on. So, the second third is sort of a numbing, deep confusion.
Last third: Playing Candy Crush and wondering how much worse this can get (the ending. There isn't a student film around with a worse ending.)