London Has Fallen online movie review - Preposterous banality
The British Prime Minister dies, and all the world leaders come to his funeral.
Muslim terrorists plant huge, incredibly powerful bombs in all the obvious locations but the vaunted British security people, whom we are repeatedly told are super duper, don't find them, not a one. The bad guys infiltrate the police and the military in such numbers as to equal or exceed the security forces. Suddenly the bad guys detonate the bombs. Cars go up in smoke. Tops of large buildings are blown off. Huge bridges come tumbling down. The bad guys use magical powers to shut down electricity in the whole city. They also shut down both civilian and military communications, even satellites. Their rampage knocks out almost all world leaders, even though those are all over the city, including on a bridge (blown out from under them), in a boat on the river (a barge pulls up alongside and explodes), and so on. Allahu akbar! But the President of the United States gets away in a nail-biting high speed chase through London and then on helicopters. Unfortunately bad guys are on untold numbers of unsecured rooftops with stinger missiles. They blow away one of the three getaway copters. They blow away the second. Then they blow away President's copter, which crashes into a tower and breaks into pieces in mid air. Nonetheless, the President and his Secret Service chief live! Bad guys, though, are swarming all over London, in complete control and knowing just where to look. But our guys are GOOD, and they take 'em down and get away. Actually, just our guy is good. The President is a helpless ninny who doesn't pick up a gun. The bad guys keep coming, but Secret Service Superman (hereafter SSS) keeps blowing them away. Meanwhile our Vice President, I mean, what a guy. From his office in Washington he takes over the minute-by-minute tactics of finding the President. Back in London, no matter how many bad guys appear, our helpless President doesn't pick up a weapon. It turns out the dead British MP was murdered by poison and his doctor murdered. Damn those terrorists are good. More to the point, our guys are terrible, except for SSS. Somehow our guys get to the residence (office?) of a gorgeous British security agent. SSS informs the President that she's a bad ass, so much so that he tells the President "not to f*** with her." The President isn't Bill Clinton, so he takes the advice. Geez, this is realistic. The next thing you know, our guys are driving in a car. They run into a heavily armed roadblock of bad guys, who still have complete control of the city, but the bad guys do such a bad job of it that they don't actually block the road. Our guys swerve through through a gauntlet of incompetently placed cars and obstacles and a hail bullets and bombs, and get through in their ordinary old car! But then they are rammed by the bad guys, who drag away the President. They plan to execute him publicly in a few hours. Wow, the suspense just keeps building. Can I get through this without peeing in my pants? Well, actually, yes, without any problem, but...back to the action! A bunch of good guys show up, and SSS says he's going after the bad guys, and if the good guys don't like it, they can stuff it. The good guys go with him. They find the hideout and kill dozens, scores, hundreds, thousands, millions, well, lots and lots of terrorists. Of course the terrorists abet them by being unable to hit the broadside of a barn from the inside with machine guns, rifles, RPGs. The good guys mow 'em down like wheat. SSS goes into the building alone. He mows 'em down like wheat. These bad guys really suck. The lead bad guy on the scene (the real leader is back in Yemen) beats up the President on worldwide TV and then pulls out a huge saber with which to decapitate the President. He swings. The President ducks. The bad guy misses. Just then, SSS bursts in and blows away more bad guys. He beats the holy crap out of the head bad guy on the scene. Another bad guy rolls in a bomb. It kills everyone in the room...except SSS and the President. Gripping! Our guys start to leave. The President *still* does not pick up a weapon. No matter. SSS blows the bad guys away with ease and style. Finally the President takes a gun. He blows away the bad guys with abandon. God, our guys are INCREDIBLY GOOD. Makes me proud to be an American. More bombs. One creates a gigantic fireball that rolls through the entire building, but our guys escape down a shaft even though the building is gutted. I can't stand this! I can't stand it, I tell you! A bunch of good guys come in patrolling the wreckage looking for the President. No sign amidst the rubble. Looks bad, boys and girls, but then ... YES, YES, they find our heroes in a pit. SSS cracks a joke, as anyone in such a situation would do. Meanwhile, the gorgeous British agent finds the bad guys' inside man and blows him away in a garage. Somehow, our guys found where the head bad guy was hiding in Yemen. The Vice President calls him on the phone, tells him to look out his window, and just then our military blows the bad guy to bits. The show ends with an impassioned plea about the need to meddle, er, engage in the world.
Man, what a movie.
No routine nudity or gratuitous sex, though. I guess it's tough to get everything right.
Avoid it at all costs.